That's just how I am

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There has been many times in my life where I have envisioned myself being successful, healthy, happy and free. However, I was not willing to do what it took in order to get there, instead I limited myself. I wish I could count how many times I said "that's just how I am" or "that's just not me". This thought process had a significant hold on me, it stopped me from trying new things and it prevented me from coming out of my comfort zone. The amount of times I heard, Leke I think you would be really good at this, but never followed up on it. Instead I worried about what people would think about me, I let the fear of trying something new stop me from doing what deep down I knew I was called to do. How could I be so afraid I wondered. What really was the thing that scared me about trying something new? it took me a while to figure this out but as I journeyed on in life I have identified both my strengths and weaknesses. I have realised I feared the unknown.

Isn't it so interesting that we have overcome this experience many times but every time it has a way of getting to us. I can remember when I was studying in the states and I had to face my biggest fear of public speaking, I literally hated it, I knew in order for me to achieve the grade that I wanted I had to face my fear. I remember the feeling like it was yesterday, my teacher said "in this class we will do up to 3 presentations", I immediately thought God why me. I doubted myself, I wanted to quit the class but even if I ran to another course I knew that the course requirement would consist of at least one presentation, there was no where I could run to. I had so many thoughts running through my head wondering how I was going to get out of this, but the more I thought about it the more I realised that I needed to run towards it. Truth be told every time I presented I felt sick to my stomach, I started stuttering as if I owed the teacher money. Till this day I still struggle with the same battle but through exposure I have learnt how to prepare better for these moments. I now take time to plan and study the material, preparing effectively made it easier for me. I eventually realised my fear wasn't speaking in public it was not knowing or having knowledge about what I was speaking about. The moment I ran towards my fear, God really provided me with all the tools I needed in order to counteract what I was worried about. Now I tell myself what is the worse that could happen, even if I fail it is a win in my book because now I can work on the areas that I struggled with the most in order to do better than I did last time. It's literally trial and era. I really don't know where I got the idea that if I failed I was never going to succeed. Sometimes it's not our fear that worries us, it is the description of the fear that we have made up in our head that triggers us, the idea of the unknown. For instance, sometimes we worry about losing a friendship or relationship because we think that life without that person will be miserable, but who told us this? Yes, it will be hard at first but in time we will heal, we will get stronger, our mindsets will change. Through self-love we will be whole again. 

Isiah 41:10 tells us "so do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand" (Bible.com, n.d.). This word speaks volumes to me, God is telling you that he is there by your side, he will support you in times of trouble, sometimes things have happened in my life that made me question why did this happen to me, or why God allowed this to happen to me. As time went by I realised that it was for my own good, it made me better, it made me wiser and it made me stronger. Let me clarify one thing to you though, it is really important to know that God does not punish us he disciplines us whereas the devil/enemy punishes us. Discipline allows us to learn from our mistake whereas punishment reminds us of our mistakes, it makes us feel like we are not good enough, at the end of it us it does not feel like we are being taught anything. This is not how God operates. God loves us enough to discipline us, in Hebrews 12: 6 it says "my son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son. (Bible.com, n.d.). Please do not let this frighten or alarm you. Even when we think about a role of a parent, they are responsible of nurturing us, and guiding us through life and at times they need to discipline us out of love. I am not talking about a parent who choses to abuse their child, I am talking about a parent who out of love needs to discipline us. Growing up I never learnt anything from being punished, but I can tell you for sure I learnt my biggest lessons when I lacked discipline. When I went towards things that I knew were not good for me I got burnt. It wasn't until when I got older and my perspective about life changed that I understood why a particular thing/s happened to me. 

I really hope this read gave you clarity and encouraged you! not everyone will be in this season in their life but if you know someone who is share it with them. I pray this week you are able to step out of your comfort zone. A little bit of motivation! I returned to church for the first time after more than 10 years of avoiding it. It was the best decision I made, it was not what I imagined it to be, my past experiences made me doubt that things had changed, but God revealed to me that it was lies that had made up through my fears. 


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References

Isaiah 41: Niv bible: Youversion. YouVersion | The Bible App | Bible.com. (n.d.). https://www.bible.com/bible/111/ISA.41.NIV  

Hebrews 12: Niv bible: Youversion. YouVersion | The Bible App | Bible.com. (n.d.-a). https://www.bible.com/bible/111/HEB.12.NIV 





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